Sexual Engagement Within A Melbourne Licensed Venue

1. Hierarchy of Locations:

Office > Disabled Toilet > Toilet > Kitchen > Bar Floor

2. Form level if with:

Spouse/Partner/Significant Other = Bad Form
Known for few hours = Okay Form
Random Stranger = Good Form
First Date = Great Form

3. Action for future relationship if with:

Spouse/Partner/Significant Other = Continue as normal
Known for few hours = Meet same next night/week
Random Stranger = Call back late at night
First Date = Run away/do not look in eye

4. If loss of undergarment/clothes during engagement:

Leave them there = “I shall cut my losses.”
Call and ask if there = “I might come in, but I’m not saying my name.”
Go in next week to collect = “I’m embarrassed, but slightly proud.”
Go in next night to collect = “Another Friday night and I can’t afford to lose my jeans again.”

Party Ninja Reviews the habits of Regulars at the Brunswick Hotel

Tom
Tom drinks one beer every fifteen minutes. If he has neglected his target he drinks his beer all in one go to catch up. Always fill Tom’s beer up if it’s empty and there’s money on the bar. Do not delay. Tom likes crosswords and making lewd comments about vaginas to female staff members.

Charles
“Well I don’t normally drink but okay…” Charles is in the Brunswick Hotel every night. He seems to believe he is not much of a drinker. He smashes pints of Carlton Draught like a man who smashes things. But faster.

Chris and Debbie
Drink the chardonnay. I had a glass of the chardonnay once and it tasted like ash flavoured urine. They drink it every night. They are there five nights a week. Knocking back the chardonnay.

Graham
Mounts the bar stool like a high jumper running towards the mat. He drinks pints of Carlton draught. “In a handle if you please.” Why? Who the fuck knows.

Steve
Likes a wee chat. Taught me to thumb juggle once. I can teach you sometime if you like. He drinks stubbies of VB which cost 5 bucks a piece and taste like stubbies of frothy faeces.

Frank
Big tall man with grey hair. Told me he would “knock [me] the fuck out” one time because I refused to accept a Fijian coin as legal tender. He also is on stubbies of the faeces. He doesn’t seem to be very cool or, further more, hip.

Steve II
The most colourful of all the regulars, is Steve II. Comes in and burbles “Bueh mmmm grred. Ha ha ha. Brem grrrr.” And then has a moment of lucidity “Two longnecks of Vic please.” Then back to burbling. Then my favourite part. When you hand over the longnecks he always turns one of them around and makes out that he is going to bottle you. Always. You just wave and say “Have a nice day Steve II. See you.” Then he hangs out in the doorway holding the door open and burbling. This part goes on for a couple of minutes. Then he leaves.

Party Ninja Reviews Correct Conduct at the Work Christmas Party

1. Breach the gap between employee and employer by making racist jokes.

2. If you are offered illicit substances by a co-worker, it is rude to not accept. Especially if the co-worker is offering them to you from the blade of a previously concealed weapon.

3. Always bring along a black one-piece leotard and, to begin with, wear it around your neck so that people think it’s a scarf. Change into it at the appropriate time. If you can grease up your chest prior to changing that would be ideal.

4. Crack onto any opposite sex co-worker that looks at you. That way you will increase your chances for love. Come Monday fellow workers will give you a special look that means they respect you more.

5. Drink lots of cocktails. Don’t eat the food. Food will only slow you down and speed is the key. You want to be fast because people will usually like you more if you are.

6. If good-natured fisticuffs should break out impress everyone by biting and scratching. Drawing blood is for winners.

7. And remember: Everyone spews at the Christmas party. However, many make the mistake of not concealing it. When it happens to you, hide it in an inventive place; like the toilet roll holding box.

Things about Meredith Music Festival - December ‘08

Thing 1.
Meredith was wet and cold. But somehow this didn’t make it worse. In fact, it added to the experience, unifying all humans. Sure jackets leaked. Sure my rubber raincoat rained on the inside. But love found a way.

Thing 2.
The first inaugural red-head convention at the pink tree. This will surely become a novelty event to rival the gift. I tried to infiltrate them but I was sniffed out like a piece of bad cheese. They even sang the rusty-crotch theme song whilst holding hands and crying.

Thing 3.
Pretty Musical Acts. MGMT’s stellar live set. They were amazing and they played like a real band should. I am right and you are wrong. Kram “that guy from Spiderbait” with catchy driving rock and the ever special Little Red; nerds who are deservedly getting their own back. Man Man.

Thing 4.
Sneaking backstage. The excuse was “uh... our wristbands fell off”.

Thing 5.
We had a table and chair set called Charles. Sadly Charles died early and abruptly in the piece. It was my fault.

Thing 6.
Those little Meredith relationships. Whether for 5 minutes, a few hours, or the whole weekend, these people are your new best friends. However you both know it’s likely you will never see each other again. Unless you are desperate and try a few booty calls late one night back in Melbourne and then feel ashamed the next day.

Thing 7.
Other Musical acts. Tame Impala who are like totally rad Lo-Fi and shit. I mean that. They rocked out at 11am and gave me an erection. The fantastic municipal brass band that at the perfect morning hour regaled us with contemporary tunes whilst reminding us of olden times. Architecture in Helsinki who caused a dance safari. Incidentally Muscles was surprisingly satisfying.

Thing 8.
Even on Sunday morning it was clear that people had, by no means, lost heart. Amidst a tumultuous turmoil of tents blown over and leaking, so many people had still managed to find their tents and find unconsciousness. Many even decided to leave their legs outside the tent with body inside. Fun.

Thing 9.
Even the Ferris wheel attendants seemed to be in the spirit. As the rain got heavier they decided to remove the roofing from those little cages. Honestly why the fuck were people going on the Ferris wheel? It was fucking cold.

Thing 10.
The final little bit of sweetness was the Meredith pub. Where a fast growing tradition is evolving. Fish and chips for $6 never tasted so lovely. Well that’s lie but they were $6.

Thing 11.
We all look forward to next time. Which is actually not called Meredith but Golden Plains, but is more or less the same. Yay.