Party Ninja Reviews the habits of Regulars at the Brunswick Hotel

Tom
Tom drinks one beer every fifteen minutes. If he has neglected his target he drinks his beer all in one go to catch up. Always fill Tom’s beer up if it’s empty and there’s money on the bar. Do not delay. Tom likes crosswords and making lewd comments about vaginas to female staff members.

Charles
“Well I don’t normally drink but okay…” Charles is in the Brunswick Hotel every night. He seems to believe he is not much of a drinker. He smashes pints of Carlton Draught like a man who smashes things. But faster.

Chris and Debbie
Drink the chardonnay. I had a glass of the chardonnay once and it tasted like ash flavoured urine. They drink it every night. They are there five nights a week. Knocking back the chardonnay.

Graham
Mounts the bar stool like a high jumper running towards the mat. He drinks pints of Carlton draught. “In a handle if you please.” Why? Who the fuck knows.

Steve
Likes a wee chat. Taught me to thumb juggle once. I can teach you sometime if you like. He drinks stubbies of VB which cost 5 bucks a piece and taste like stubbies of frothy faeces.

Frank
Big tall man with grey hair. Told me he would “knock [me] the fuck out” one time because I refused to accept a Fijian coin as legal tender. He also is on stubbies of the faeces. He doesn’t seem to be very cool or, further more, hip.

Steve II
The most colourful of all the regulars, is Steve II. Comes in and burbles “Bueh mmmm grred. Ha ha ha. Brem grrrr.” And then has a moment of lucidity “Two longnecks of Vic please.” Then back to burbling. Then my favourite part. When you hand over the longnecks he always turns one of them around and makes out that he is going to bottle you. Always. You just wave and say “Have a nice day Steve II. See you.” Then he hangs out in the doorway holding the door open and burbling. This part goes on for a couple of minutes. Then he leaves.